when meal time jobs shift from the parent to the child

About five years have passed since I wrote this blog:  The Division of Responsibility in Feeding - meal time jobs for the parents and child ... and we are in a completely different season of life now. My boys are now 14 and 10, and meal time has changed drastically for us. Our whole life has changed, really. But for the sake of consistency, I will stick to the topic at hand.

While I still agree with the Division of Responsibility in Feeding (pdf) for young children, as they grow kids need to become more independent. Older kids and teens especially should handle more of the responsibility and decision making when it comes to meals. This prepares them for life beyond our home. When they move out, I want them to be able to take care of themselves. 

Instead of me continuing to determine what, when, and where my sons eat, I've handed that responsibility over to them, for the most part. The preparation and education I have instilled in them since early childhood should now be what motivates and inspires them to make the best decisions for themselves from this point on. Spoiler alert, they will not always make the best decisions, but my point is that they are their decisions. While they're still under my roof, I am able to communicate with them and challenge them to think critically about their decisions. At some point, as the mom, you just have to start relinquishing the control over to them, otherwise, they will never learn to be independent. For us, it started with independence with food.

Ok, maybe that's oversimplifying things, but really for the most part it's true. My sons take care of their meal times fairly independently - or they'll work together to make a meal for the both of them, rarely needing my help. Making simple meals on the stovetop and using the oven are perfectly reasonable tasks for my 14 year old, he is even confident using the instant pot. My 10 year old is more skittish when it comes to the stove, which is fine, he is really good at working the microwave and toaster - and getting better with the air-fryer!

I have started to involve my sons in the grocery shopping more and more. Before we go I ask my sons to make a list of what they need or want, and we discuss the items and make a general plan together (because I'm not just going to buy ramen and Oreos). My goal in this is to make sure they are being intentional with the food and ingredients they are choosing to buy. I want them to think about the foods they are choosing and to determine whether or not they will make a good meal plan. I'm also trying to teach them a healthy balance, like "what veggies would you like to add to all this ramen?" "How about putting bananas or peanut butter on those pancakes?" Stuff like that. Usually, I just get a blank stare, but I'm hoping all this repetition will sink in and eventually become their inner voice. But I have noticed that the more healthy suggestions I offer, the more healthy decisions they make. So that's a win for mom! Don't stop making healthy suggestions!

We aren't nearly as strict about where they're allowed to eat as we were when the boys were younger. Meals and snacks are still strongly encouraged to be eaten in the kitchen, but my 14 year old regularly has sunflower seeds at his desk in his bedroom (which bugs me - and grosses me out, but he does a good job of cleaning up after himself, so I choose not to get too crazy about it.) The precedent we have set is one that makes logical sense for anyone: If you make a mess, clean it up. That's a basic rule most people follow, and I trust my 10 and 14 year old sons can handle that.

I don't cook or prepare meals nearly as often as I used to, mainly because each member of my family have their own preferences for what and when they would like to eat. My sons take care of meals for themselves for the most part, and my husband eats some foods that I don't eat. Also, everyone in my family likes to eat right as they wake up in the morning, except me... So it has become easier and much more convenient for everyone to be mostly independent when it comes to meals. I will sometimes cook a mid-day breakfast/brunch for everyone, or a few times a week I will prepare dinner, but it's no longer a priority for us that we all eat the same thing at the same time in the same place - which brings up another point I want to discuss.

While I do think meal time is a great way for families to connect at the end of the day, in our home, it's not really a priority to eat meals together. Let me explain. All four of us (me, my husband, my two sons) are together all day, every day. The entire day. EVERY DAY. So we get plenty of quality time together. To try and coordinate a time for us to all sit down to eat together at the same time every single night just isn't worth it. We are frequently eating our separate meals at different times. And while this is contradictory to what I've written in the original blog post linked here, this is just the season of life we are in, and IT WORKS! We are connected as a family, and we are all being fed. It's just easier to not stress about making dinner time a family event every single night.

So re-reading my previous post and adding this new content has really highlighted for me that it is ok to change and flow through parenting as your children grow up. I am learning to release control of the little things that don't really matter. And if something isn't broken, don't fix it.