pictured above: my son (14) cooking dinner for his brother (10) and cousins (11, 8)

Here's a question I struggle with sometimes, and the following is really a letter to myself. 

How much control do you really have in your household? 

Sure, you can control what you cook for dinner and how clean you keep your house... at least to a certain point. But can you make your children obey you? Can you make them eat all their veggies, clean their room, or do their homework? Without having to ask or bribe? Can you make your husband help you out around the house or make him choose what to do with his time?

Short answer: No

You may have heard Kristina Kuzmic say "mind your own motherhood" in some of her humorous parenting videos on YouTube. If you haven't, when you've finished reading this you should go and check her out.

What does it mean to "mind your own motherhood?"

Basically this: Don't judge other moms for momming differently than you! 

Focus more on your parenting styles, and less on everyone else's. 

Just because you have strong feelings and convictions regarding certain decisions concerning your children, doesn't mean you have the exclusive rights to train other moms. They might also have strong feelings and convictions to raise their children completely different from you. That doesn't make them a bad mom, it just means they have a different style. Good kids come from many different parenting styles, and that's OK. That's what we want in our diverse culture! 

Mom on mom shaming is when moms judge each other and offer unsolicited advice on parenting issues such as breastfeeding, vaccinations, screen time, nap/bedtime routines, meal times, clothes, and the list goes on and on. Parenting is no easy task, but when we constantly wear each other down with our nagging opinions and judgmental stares it only gets harder! It is truly no one else's business how you decide to parent, except of course your husband - with whom you should be co-parenting. And it is none of your business how your friend, sister, or cousin parents, either.

If a child is being abused or having their basic needs left unmet, that's a whole 'nother issue. This is not usually the case, though. It is not neglect to allow a child to wear mismatched or hand-me-down clothes to school. It is not abuse to feed your child processed store bought snacks instead of gluten free, vegan, organic kale bites. Brains won't melt out of a child's head if they play a video game for 3 hours straight (although I'm guilty of telling my boys this). A child will not drop dead if they don't get breast milk or if they are vaccinated - in fact, many vaccinated formula fed babies have grown into perfectly healthy adults. And frankly, mom cards don't get revoked for wearing pajamas in the drop-off line at school.

Of course, I have opinions on what good parenting is. I know where I stand on all of the issues I mentioned above, and I'll even write a blog post or two explaining my opinion and why I choose to do what I do. And I'm sure you have opinions as well. But that doesn't give either of us the right to judge or criticize each other for it. If you are asked what your stance is on certain topics or how you handle specific parenting issues, offer it up! Discussion is good, sharing opinions and thoughts is good, even debate is good, too. But mom shaming (gossiping, fighting, criticizing, judging) is not. I'm talking to myself here, too - more often than not, unsolicited advice is unwanted advice, offensive advice, demeaning advice, self-righteous advice, etc. 

There is no such thing as perfect parenting. There is nothing that can be done to become a perfect mom, but there are many different ways to be a good mom. Focus less on what you think other parents are doing wrong, and focus more on what you think is right for your family.

1/26/2024 - for an updated look of what this looks like in my house with a 10 and 14 year old, check out this blog

The Division of Responsibility in Feeding is simply this: at mealtime, the parents have specific jobs only they should do, and the child has specific jobs only they could do. Notice the difference in should and could. You cannot force your child to do anything, let alone eat their food - let that be their job. Don't allow these responsibilities to sway back and forth between parent and child, that could make for a nasty power struggle. Only you should be the one to do your job as the parent, and only your child could do their job:

I have a confession to make:

Sometimes I let my family eat cereal for dinner.

Is that bad parenting?

No, and here's why:

Good parenting consists of this:

Most moms know the struggle of being constantly interrupted by their children.

Whether you're in the middle of a conversation with a friend, on an important phone call, or maybe working on the computer, it's only a matter of time until your child wants your attention. I don't know of any mom who enjoys being interrupted every few minutes by their child. It's hard to concentrate on your own thoughts or listen to others while your little one is incessantly tugging on you saying "mom, mom, mom." Even if you appease them for a moment, they will only come back a few minutes later for more.

My husband and I have "trained" our boys not to yell for us from across the house. That's just downright annoying and completely unnecessary. Unless of course there's an emergency. If your child is bleeding to death or they are trying to tell you that someone else is seriously injured and in need of help, let them yell and interrupt! I'm sure all of that goes without saying. But what we are talking about here is the daily life scenarios where children just don't know (or care) how rude it is to assert themselves into a conversation or situation they weren't invited to.

When I learned the interrupt rule, it changed our lives! I am not even exaggerating.

Here's how the interrupt rule works:

1. If your child needs to get your attention while you are busy, they are to quietly approach you and lay a hand on your shoulder or arm.
2. You should immediately acknowledge them, with eye contact or your hand on top of theirs. That way, they know that you know that they need you. But they don't say a word, yet.
3. Then they wait. Once there is a natural break in your conversation or you are done with what you are doing, you can turn to them and give them your undivided attention.

It's that simple!

My boys have applied the interrupt rule to all the adults in their lives whom they ever may need to interrupt, completely unprompted. They just like it, I guess. They even use it on each other which is so stinkin' sweet. It is quite fun explaining to unsuspecting family members or friends why my child is just standing next to them with their hand on their shoulder. Usually the adult is surprised and impressed at how mature they are acting and want to implement it in their own homes with their kids.

In training kids up this way, they learn self control, patience, and respect for their elders time and space.

And I don't have to be interrupted anymore! Parenting tip for the win.

I am a homemaker, or as some say, a stay at home mom.

My job is one I don't get paid for, in a financial sense. 

My payment comes in the form of hugs, smiles, cuddles, messes, and stress. 

I love my job, but sometimes I get tired of it. This is just me being completely honest and transparent.

I realize now that I am not the only one. This homemaker thing is not easy, I don't know if it ever has been.

But over time, it seems to get harder  -  I believe it is because I put taking care of everyone and everything above taking care of myself.

I used to think that taking care of myself first was the selfish thing to do.

I don't have time to take care of myself, my family needs me.

After many hours in desperate prayer for peace and patience, God has opened my eyes.

I cannot effectively care for my family unless I am first cared for. 

It's the same mentality behind the oxygen mask in an airplane, place your mask first and then help those around you. 

I won't be much help to my loved ones if I pass out on the floor. 

So... now I am learning the difference between knowing and doing.

I know I need to take care of myself, but how do I do that?

I've been asked before, "What do you like to do?"

Wow. 

It's depressing that I don't really have a good answer. 

I like to watch TV (lame), I like to go on long walks (a little less lame), I like to ...

I got nothin'...

So this year, I am going to try out a few new things.

I will relax!

I plan to do a lot more blogging, with that comes research (which I guess I also like to do).

I am going to read. And not just to gain knowledge or for research. I want to read fiction.

I want to try meditation or maybe even yoga.

I will start a prayer journal.

And I am not going to be ashamed to tell my family that I need me time.

Even if that just means a 20 minute bath while the dirty dishes wait in the sink - and I will choose not to let that bother me.

I will learn how to care for my family without wearing myself out, one day at a time.

There is so much debate and controversy over screen times for children out there that it's almost enough to just give up caring. As moms we just want to do right by our kids, make the best decisions, and help them grow to be their best selves. Unfortunately, that means making tough calls on things we're not certain about. For me, the screen time debate was just too heavy. So the following are some of my thoughts and mental rollercoasters on the topic. Take it or leave it ;)

Is it harmful? Is it helpful? Who really knows?

How much is too much screen time? Is there a magic number of hours that is definitive for every family? Besides, what all counts as screen time? My kids use laptops every day at school to do their work, and at home for homework. My husband's business and our livelihood is dependent on technology and he's constantly in front of a screen either writing code or doing research. With this blog, I am now often in front of my own computer screen. So it seems like no matter how you look at it, harsh limits on screen time as a general rule just seems unrealistic for us.

Is "screen time" inherently bad?

I have seen so much online about limiting screen time for kids and parents, and I would agree with a lot of the principles and reasons why that would be a good idea. But the world is different than it used to be, we should embrace the technology we have, rather than demonize it. We live in a tech driven world and there is nothing inherently wrong with that. The problem comes when kids or adults become addicted and can't function without it.

There are multiple things that our screens offer us and many of them are very beneficial and helpful. So when I read articles talking about hard limits on screen time for kids without much context as to what activity is actually being limited, it can cause a lot of confusion and we may begin to demonize the actual screen itself or technology as a whole. I am definitely guilty of this but have given up the fight and just submitted to the fact that I will be surrounded by tech and screens for the rest of my life.

Are video games inherently bad?

No, of course not. And they don't create violence or turn innocent children into psychopaths. But there are some video games that definitely normalize violence and desensitize young minds to it, which may help influence violent fantasies to become a reality. The issue isn't the "screen time" but the content. In my house, we play a lot of games. Pokemon, Minecraft, Little Big Planet, Bloxels, and other games that make you think, discover, work toward specific goals, and build or create. These are attributes I would like to foster in my kiddos.

Are YouTube videos inherently bad?

Definitely not. Take the photo at the top of this page, for example. This is my younger son watching a Nerdy Nummies video on YouTube. He has a passion for baking that just grows with every video he watches. This is good content, which I will not be limiting. On the other hand, I have walked in on my boys watching a video on YouTube Kids that had extremely inappropriate language and images. On YouTube KIDS! So now we make sure we know what our kids are watching, and as long as we know the content creators are good clean family fun, why limit it just for limitings sake?

So what should we do?

That's not to say that kids should have free reign on all things tech, we all know that's not true, but I have come to realize that it is just downright unrealistic to put specific time restraints on something so integral to our culture and future. There is a balance, though. Every family needs to decide what that healthy balance is for them. Focus on the content of the screen time, and not just how much time they are spending on a screen.

One thing I have realized I was doing that I won't be doing anymore is using screen time as a reward. Having our kids "earn screen time" by doing specific chores may be teaching them how to work towards a goal, but in my house it was just putting the screens on a pedestal. They were thinking of screen time as a prized and coveted reward. I want to move them away from this kind of thinking and move them more to a mindset motivated by a desire to help out around the house and take care of their own responsibilities. This isn't the same as using screen time as a reward, it is a simple lesson in taking care of responsibilities before you get to "play." Adults know this, so we need to teach our kids. But we also know that all work and no play makes for a lousy existence. So we just try not to stress about it anymore.

It is our job as parents to teach our children good habits, ideally through modeling them, but also through good ol' conversation.

Screens should enhance our lives, not take away from them. I always tell my boys, make sure you're loving people more than you're loving the screen.

So, should screen time be limitted?

I don't think I can give a definitive yes or no. What I have decided for my family is that it shouldn't be so much about limiting the screen time as it should be about quality control. The amount of time we spend on screens (kids AND parents) is not nearly as important as what we are doing on the screens.

Every year, at least twice a year - Birthdays and Christmas, there was an opportunity for my boys to receive toys as gifts. And since we weren't getting rid of old ones to make room for the new ones, they really started stacking up. They had all the Avengers costumes and accessories, multiple super hero action figures and the bad guys to go with them, Lego's, Hot Wheels, Beyblades, trinket toys, all the Nerf, stuffed animals and so on. It would take my boys forever to clean their room, and when they would finally start making progress, it would be bed time! Or they would just pass out of sheer boredom or frustration on the floor atop a pile of toys.

It came to my attention that my children had too many toys, too much stuff.

We spent a Saturday going through their stuff together and made a keep pile, a trash pile, and a donate pile. My boys were very cooperative, but when we actually got to it, they were putting way too much stuff in the keep pile. The sad thing is, it was like every toy that was on the hot spot (or chopping block) was being rediscovered for the first time in years! The toy was never gone, it was just hidden underneath all of the other stuff. Some toys had sentimental meaning or very good reasons to keep in a special box, but most of them were just "filler" toys from birthday parties or Christmas.

Anyway, the materialistic attachment I saw in my boys' eyes and the sporadic fits whilst trying to convince them to donate some toys was, in a way, angering. I wasn't angry with them, but with myself. Obviously I know that children are naturally selfish, they are human beings with human nature after all. I shouldn't expect anything different. But how could I let it get this bad?

It's our culture - your child is one year older and they're all the sudden supposed to have all of their friends and family come over with presents and toys galore? Why?

I understand that some people genuinely love to give gifts, it is a love language. But there is a difference between giving a gift out of love, and giving a gift out of obligation. I do not think it is loving to encourage and foster a selfish and materialistic mindset. The "me, me, me, mine, mine, mine" attitude is ugly on everyone, young and old. So I made the bold decision to include on every birthday party invitation here on out a note: Please NO Gifts. I also told my family and close friends that we were no longer going to take part in Christmas present exchanges and to please refrain from purchasing toys or "junk things" (trinkets, etc) as gifts for my boys' birthdays or for Christmas. The materialistic mindset was becoming a distraction to the reason for the celebration. I know this sounds extreme, harsh even, but sometimes it takes drastic measures to undo unhealthy learned behaviors and thought processes.

Some family members and friends still bring a gift to my boys' birthday parties or give them presents for Christmas. And that's OK. A thoughtful, useful gift from the heart is one thing, but I am not fond of that part of the birthday or Christmas party where everyone stands around and watches as a child frantically opens all of their gifts. Call me cynical if you want, but I can't help but think of the mindset and the heart condition being fostered in that child. Sure, it's cute watching a little kid get all excited opening a present, but it's not cute watching an adult freak out because they didn't get what they thought they deserved. See, I think spoiling children with a consistent plethora of gifts on their birthday or Christmas directly results in spoiled and entitled teens and adults. If your child needs anything, it ain't stuff. They need love, relationships and togetherness, structure, boundaries, and discipline. And of course, JESUS.

We aren't an anti-fun house, we are just trying to be a family who values people more than things.

A common complaint in my house is -  "it's not fair that he gets to (fill in the blank) and I don't."

This usually comes up when one boy is "grounded" while the other one is not.

Should I not allow the ungrounded son to play video games or have friends over because it might hurt the grounded son's feelings?

I teach my boys that treating everyone equally is extremely unfair.

It may sound strange, but really think about that.

I am not saying that people are not equals, they are - created equal in God's image - deserving of dignity and kindness. I am saying that to treat everyone the same and give them all equal treatment (consequences and rewards) regardless of performance or merit is unfair.

Let me explain.

Say you have two children, and you ask them both to clean their room. One child immediately obeys and starts to clean, while the other throws himself on the floor whining and crying about how he doesn't want to clean.

If I were to treat them equally, how unfair would that be?

Would they both be reprimanded for disobedience and fit throwing?

Or perhaps they should both be rewarded and praised for being quick to obey and responsible?

No, neither.

Both children still deserve love and kindness and dignity, but they don't deserve the same reward or consequence.

This applies to adults as well.

If you are an employee who works hard, always shows up on time and uses your work day to be a very productive and respectable worker, you should be rewarded and compensated. But should your slacker co-worker be rewarded and compensated too, just because you are?

No. That's not fair. They didn't earn it.

Again, both the hard worker and the slacker deserve dignity and kindness, but they don't both deserve a promotion or praise for great work.

Because their actions and attitudes are different, they deserve different but fair treatment. Not equal.

I am not just taking care of kids here, I am raising men.

They will one day be adults and they need to know that they should not expect equal treatment. They need to be responsible for their actions and take the fair consequences that come with those actions. Good or bad. Regardless of what happens to someone else.

My sons are best friends, but they act like mortal enemies sometimes.

It's usually not long before a playful wrestling match goes from laughing so hard they can barely breathe to screaming at each other and crying because "he hurt me!" This is almost a daily occurrence at my house. I mean come on, you're wrestling, haven't you learned by now that when you wrestle you might get hurt?

Or sometimes during a game of Minecraft they'll be laughing, having fun, building together, and then next thing you know they're screaming at each other and hitting or throwing things because "he burned down my house and killed all my dogs!"

It's times like these that make my blood boil.

I am not a naturally patient mom, but I am working on it.

I am trying this new thing (new for me, at least) - waiting quietly and listening. I used to jump in yelling right at the start, I would separate them and start dishing out punishments immediately. But often times I didn't have the whole story and ended up looking more like a rage monster than a critical thinking mom who was raising problem solving men.

It started with a conversation. During a time of peace and not strife, I told my boys that I want them to figure things out on their own; to solve their own problems and work on making peace together rather than making war.

I also old them not to act like toddlers throwing a temper tantrum when their brother doesn't do what they want. My boys are old enough to understand that tantrums are embarrassing and inappropriate. And they agreed that they didn't want to act that way and they would try and be better.

But when the moment comes, they are sure quick to scream, and kick, and throw that tantrum.

And that moment seems to always come.

So now what do I do?

In that moment, if the fighting starts while I am not in the room,

I just wait and listen.

Sometimes it's just screaming, other times it's crying.

I just wait.

I have learned to discern the different cries and screams of my boys.

There's the frustrated cry, the hurt cry, the sad cry.

And the rage scream, the hurt scream, and the control scream.

If I hear slapping, punching, or banging, I always jump in and intervene right away. I want them to know how serious that violence and physical aggression is and that it's never tolerated in our home.

Sometimes, while I wait and listen, I can hear them talking it out. They get over it and the offense is quickly forgotten.

But not always.

Sometimes it only escalates. I wait and listen close, but out of view. I don't want their words or actions to be influenced by my presence. I want to see how they handle it when they are on their own. This gives me the fuel I need to properly correct, teach, and guide them later on, during our follow up conversation about the situation (read my article Redemptive Discipline).

If it continues to escalate with no sign of appropriate resolution, I step in.

"Hey guys, I noticed you're having a hard time communicating. What's going on?"

I get both sides of the story, each boy gets to tell me what happened without their brother interrupting. This is the best way to get the whole story told from two different perspectives (plus I was listening in without their knowledge and have a more broad understanding). Usually they are both to blame for the escalation, but it always starts with one ill-willed comment or action.

Once we get down to the bottom of it, to where it all started, we start the apologies. The offender goes first, then the offended apologizes for their inappropriate reactions as well.

I'm hoping that once they learn how to determine when and how a fight gets started, they will be better at either stopping it from escalating, or preventing it all together. I want them to be motivated by love and respect for each other, not selfishness and pride.

I will help them word their apology if they need help (I am teaching them after all).

"I am sorry that I (insert offense here). You are my brother and I love you. I don't want to hurt you or make you feel unloved."

Sometimes, if there was a name calling involved - "I know that you aren't (stupid, annoying, dumb), I said that because (I was mad, you cheated on the game, you kicked me, etc). I am sorry."

During an apology, I have my boys stand face to face and use a sincere tone of voice. I want them to learn to mean it and take it seriously.

I have encouraged my boys not to just say "it's OK" in response to an apology, because sometimes it's not OK.

If someone hits you or calls you a name, but then apologizes, that doesn't make "it"  "OK" to name call or hit. "It" referring to the offense and "OK" meaning acceptable or reasonable.

To forgive someone is good, but you don't have to say "it's OK." That's sort of like saying "your offense against me was reasonable."

Instead of saying "it's OK," I have taught them to respond with something like "I forgive you, but it's not OK, please don't ever do that again. I don't like being treated like that."

That way, they are standing up for themselves, letting the people around them know how they want to be treated, and being kind at the same time.

They need to learn how to resolve conflict on their own. As parents, we won't be there to solve all of their arguments and disputes in the real world. It's our job as parents to make the here and now a safe learning environment.

The family friendly children's version of Halloween where we embrace trick or treating, playful imagination, and make believe is thought to be fun and innocent. The darker truth behind Halloween is full of unintentional (and sometimes intentional) pagan demon worship and the glorification and celebration of death, gore, sexual immorality, and all things evil. I know this sounds harsh, but it's the truth. Modern Halloween in America is a mix of secular and religious elements and traditions.

The Origin and Evolution of Halloween and its Traditions

Modern day Halloween has evolved from a collection of traditions from the ancient Celtic festival known as Samhain (pronounced sah-win) and the Catholic holiday All Saints Day, along with many others. Samhain and All Saints Day are strictly religious holidays, observed intentionally for religious purposes, while Halloween is known as a widely and publicly celebrated secular holiday.

Celebrated by BC Celtic Ireland on November 1, Samhain (Celtic for summer's moon or the end of summer) marked the beginning of winter. The night before Samhain was thought to be a time when the veil between the world of the living and the world of the dead was thinnest. The Celtic Priests, called Druids, taught that the spirits of the dead, demons, and gods would rise from the grave and roam amongst the living on October 31, and either wreak havoc or bring blessing. Since not all spirits were thought to be kind, in order to appease the unkind spirits, they would leave food and gifts on their doorsteps and wear masks if they left the house. They would also light bonfires and disguise themselves as ghosts and ghouls to repel and confuse the spirits. The eve of Samhain was The Festival of the Dead led by a band of ruthless Druids who ruled Northern Ireland for centuries through occult terror and human sacrifices.

In the 8th century, Pope Gregory the third established All Hallows Day to discourage pagan practice of Samhain. November 1st became a Catholic holiday, All Hallow's Day (or All Saints Day), and its purpose was to honor all Christian saints and martyrs, known and unknown. This new holiday was accepted by the Celts, but they still insisted on carrying their own rituals and tradition of celebrating Samhain. The day before Samhain soon came to be known as All Hallow's Eve (later shortened to Halloween).

Old Celtic traditions were revived in 19th century America by Irish and Scottish immigrants. During a potato famine, over a million hungry Irish people and their folklore came to America. Their traditions began to change even more.

• Halloween costumes are thought to have evolved from the Celts demonic or "harmful spirit" disguises during Samhain.
• Jack-O-Lanterns began as an Irish tradition of bringing home an ember from the Samhain bonfire in a carved out turnip, using it as a lantern. This evolved over time and they started carving faces on the lanterns to honor their deceased ancestors and an Irish folk hero named Stingy Jack. After the move to America, when they saw that the pumpkin was more abundant, they used them instead.
• Bobbing for apples was a Celtic vestigial divination ritual. The apple was associated with the female goddess of love. Young single people would try to bite the apple hanging from a string. This is similar to a bouquet toss at a wedding. The first person to bite the apple would be the next to marry. It was their way of attempting to see into the future through demonic help.
• Trick or Treating is thought to have evolved from souling and guising (which originated in medieval Britain). Souling is where people would go door to door and offer prayer for dead relatives in exchange for treats. Guising is where young people would wear costumes and sing, recite poetry, tell jokes, or perform another trick in order to collect a treat, usually money or food. Trick or treating may have also started as the ancient Celtic tradition of leaving food on doorsteps to keep the wandering ghosts at bay. During 1930's America, trick or treating was more about the tricks than about the treats. People would play pranks on unsuspecting victims, usually vandalism or violence, unless they provided them with a treat. I will "trick" you if you don't give me a "treat." So basically, extortion. In the 1950's trick or treating became more family friendly and less violent.

Before Halloween was the family friendly, child - candy - costume centered secular holiday we know today, it was a strange combination of Pagan religious rituals, a Catholic attempt to prevent the Pagan worship, and other foreign traditions more focused on playing tricks on people, trying to tell the future through invoking the devil's help, and honoring and communicating with the dead.

Is Halloween a Satanists Holiday?

Halloween has been celebrated long before Anton LaVey founded "the church of Satan" in 1966. Satanists only recently adopted Halloween as one of their holidays. So Halloween isn't Satanic in origin, but it is considered a Satanic holiday when referencing it being celebrated by Satanists for obvious reasons, being a day when demons, witches, and devils are glorified. LaVey has even said "I'm glad Christian parents let their children worship the devil at least one night out of the year. Welcome to Halloween."

Should Christians celebrate the Americanized version of Halloween?

God makes it very clear how He feels about certain pagan practices in Deuteronomy 18:9-14. In this passage He lists detestable actions and rituals and commands His people to never imitate them. This passage is a pretty inclusive list of activities and beliefs that Halloween was originally founded on. In fact, it was for these beliefs, activities, and rituals that the pagans were driven out of the Promised Land God gave to His people. As a Christian, in light of this passage, Halloween just isn't as appealing to me as it used to be . . .

We as Christians are to live in the world, not be of the world. We are Christians every day of the year, we shouldn't compromise our morals just because everyone else is. We should allow God's word to guide us. On Halloween, death and torture and gore are glorified. God has overcome the grave, we should celebrate God, not the grave. 1 Thessalonians 5:5 says "for you are all children of light, children of the day. We are not children of the night or of darkness." We are called to reject the darkness and represent Jesus well. Especially when everyone else is not. Prayerfully consider treating Halloween like an evangelism opportunity. Like opposite door to door missionaries. People come to your door. Be friendly, represent Christ, preach the Gospel, hand out bible tracts, etc.

Some definitions of "evil" are: profoundly immoral and malevolent, embodying or associated with the forces of the devil, harmful or tending to harm, something extremely unpleasant, wickedness, and depravity, especially when regarded as a supernatural force, a manifestation of this especially in people's actions, something that is harmful or undesirable. Some antonyms of "evil" are: good, beneficial, pleasant, virtuous.

Death is a natural part of the circle of life. Everyone experiences it, no one is immune to it. So death is not evil, it is normal, natural. But celebrating and glorifying death, torture, gore, horror, and the paranormal through costume, decor, and other choices that normalize these things can cause spiritual harm and are definitely not considered good, beneficial, pleasant, or virtuous.

Is it truly innocent to allow your children to dress up and go door to door asking for candy from strangers? I personally believe it is not. Even if you are present and keeping them safe physically, you are teaching them it is OK to celebrate and cooperate in a holiday that was originally founded on someone else's religious beliefs. Beliefs that directly contradict the Gospel and go against a direct command from God in Deuteronomy 18:9-14.

All that being said, I do not judge or look down on my brothers and sisters in Christ who choose to celebrate Halloween with their children. Not everyone is convicted by the Holy Spirit in the same way, and we all have our own walk with Christ. I do not believe it is an inherent sin to let your kiddo dress up and take them trick or treating. I do believe, however, it would be sin if the Holy Spirit places it on your heart not to, and you disobey.

I believe that the best way to love your kids is to be an intentional parent.

There is no such thing as perfect parenting.

In fact, the only perfect Father is our Heavenly Father, and the only perfect Son is Jesus Christ. They share a perfect Father and Son relationship.

As human parents, we make mistakes and that's ok.

God's design for us as parents was never to be perfect or to have all the right answers all the time. We aren't supposed to know exactly what we're doing or even why we're doing it all the time. But we are meant to lean on and trust God for all of the unknowns.

I believe that God uses our children as tools to teach us lessons and grow our faith and trust in Him. My boys are hard to handle sometimes, and God uses these tough situations as a tool to sharpen me and make me look and act more like Christ. He does this for all of us because He loves us.

As parents, we are supposed to train our children to love God and love others.

Parenting is not easy.

If you think being a parent is easy you are most likely doing it wrong. It is not easy raising good and productive members of society. Parenting is so much more than just taking care of your children and making sure they survive each day. Yes, that is a part of it, but that's not where it ends.

Parenting, at least intentional parenting, is about raising your children to walk with Jesus. To become thoughtful, compassionate, kind, forgiving, productive, and respectable adults who love fully and selflessly.

You cannot raise a child like this if you are your child's "friend." You should be their authority figure, their parent.

If your child likes you 100% of the time, you're most likely raising a spoiled brat. If they always get what they want and know how to push all the right buttons to get it, you're failing as a parent.

This doesn't mean you can't have fun together or be friendly, it just means that you should be a parent first, friend second.

Your child should know that you are in charge - this doesn't mean they will never challenge you, it just means that they know you will stand your ground in battle.

They should know that you are there to love them, take care of them, teach them, and protect them, not to just clean up after them, buy things for them, and make sure they're always "happy."

There is so much more to parenting than just getting your kids to obey you or respect you.

Intentional parenting is all about teaching and training your children how to be Godly adults.

Lead by example

- Show your kids how to walk with Jesus.

- Love them through all life's seasons.

- Teach them how to act and live so when they grow up they won't be lost (Proverbs 22:6).

- Communicate with them, be quick to listen and slow to speak, and even slower to get angry (James 1:19).

- Be consistent and authentic.

Practical Tips

I have not mastered intentional parenting, but here are a few practical things I have learned along the way.

Redemptive Discipline teaches children that they are sinners in need of a savior. It teaches them that they are loved no matter what they do, by God and by mom and dad. But sometimes, our attitudes and actions need to be checked and changed. Children disobey and need discipline, not punishment, discipline. (see my article on redemptive discipline).

The tone of voice you use when you communicate with your children is crucial. We teach our kids so much without knowing it. Too often I hear my children speaking to each other with a nasty tone that's all too familiar - my own. Before you're tempted to raise your voice and shoot off a malicious tone, remember - your children were created in the image of God, truly cherished and deserving of love and respect. You can be stern AND kind.

Practicing patience is new to me. I am not a naturally patient person and I tend to assume my young children should just automatically know better. But sometimes they don't - they need to be taught. I learned the hard way that I wound them deeply when I react out of frustration and impatience, rather than respond with wisdom and love. Take a Holy Pause - take a deep breath, gather your thoughts, and say a quick prayer before responding to tough behavioral situations.

Redemptive discipline, patience, and tone of voice all need to work together when dealing with disciplinary issues.

Tough situations are guaranteed to come up, they're a normal part of life. But always remember the God you serve and His plans for you and your children.

God gives us children so we can teach and guide them. That's our role - to teach and guide, and of course, to love.

I attend a Bible Study Fellowship group and have recently learned about redemptive discipline. This is an amazing Christian tool all parents should have in their back pocket. It is all about reaching into your child's heart.

When they misbehave, sure it's easy to lose patience, yell and throw out punishments, but what are you teaching them? That mommy is mean? At any point in the day mommy could just blow up? Nothing they do or say will be safe. They will begin to think that mom's love and happiness with them is dependent on their behavior (first of all, if that is true - mommy needs more of Jesus).

In order to understand redemptive discipline and appropriately apply it, you must first accept that your child is a sinner, no matter their age. Straight out of the womb, a born sinner. We all are. Your job as a parent is to guide your child into adulthood. To teach them how to live, to lead them by example. God has provided an instruction manual, we call it the Holy Bible. It is always relevant. All scripture is useful for correction and teaching.

When using redemptive discipline, you are addressing the heart of the behavior issue: your child's sinful human nature. For example, if they have toys all over the floor and refuse to obey your request to clean it up, what sin are they committing? Being disobedient to your parents is a sin. It is not wrong to tell your child that they are sinning. Too often parents sugar coat things for their kids, and therefore unintentionally turn their children into adults who aren't able to cope with failure, rejection, constructive criticism and who feel like everyone else is the problem. Don't be those parents. Don't be afraid to parent your child in a way that produces fruit in the future.

To continue the above example, say your child is disobeying your request to clean up their toys. You should only have to ask once. Consistency is key. Once, no more. As soon as they make the choice to disobey, send out a quick prayer, ask the Holy Spirit to guide your words. Then you should immediately pull them aside and have a conversation with them. Get onto their level, never stand over and look down on them and never do this from across the room with a loud voice. You should be face to face, at eye level, preferably close enough to touch, using a gentle but stern voice. Ask them if they know what they did wrong.

"Honey, do you know what you did wrong?"

Let them answer. Sometimes they'll know exactly what they did wrong, sometimes they won't, but that's ok because they are learning. If they know, and they tell you, praise God. If they don't know, tell them.

"You disobeyed mommy. When I asked you to clean up your toys, you said no."

Then teach them about sin.

"Do you know that God commands us to obey our parents? It is a sin to disobey your parents. A sin is when we do what we want to do, and not what God wants us to do."

Right now would be a great opportunity to open your bible and show them Exodus 20:12 and Ephesians 6:1-3, even if they can't read (this will teach them that their mommy treats God's Word with respect and takes it seriously). Allow them to respond, if they want. Then continue.

"When you disobey mommy, you are sinning against God. God does not like sin, but He loves you so much. Everyone sins, even mommy and daddy. But God still loves us, too. That's why He sent His son Jesus to die on the cross for our sins. You have been freed from the power of sin, that means you don't have to sin! You have a choice. You can choose to obey! Isn't that cool?"

Give them a chance to offer a response but don't expect one. Remember, learning is a process.

Ask them to pray with you. It is never too early or too late to start praying out loud with your child. If they want to say the prayer, let them! And then praise God for it. If they will let you, pray out loud with them afterwards, if they don't let you, do NOT force them. We don't want to make any of this feel like a punishment. Prayer is a gift from the Holy Spirit and He will never push himself onto us if we are unwilling, so offer that same courtesy to your child. After you pray together, give them a big hug and a kiss. Let them know you love them and that you expect them to be obedient. And then (good luck) ask them to clean up their toys again (everyone deserves a second chance ;)

This example is assuming that your child is a believer and will sit still for this conversation. But what if they aren't, and what if they don't? Redemptive discipline is still the best route. You can modify this technique to fit your specific family dynamic, but don't stray too much from the main goal: winning your child's heart to God. Relay facts that you can back up biblically. Share the gospel with them, teach them that they are a sinner in need of a savior. Let them know how much their Creator and Heavenly Father loves them.

This technique won't be effective for behavior modification without heart change, that is not our main goal anyway. Do not try to scare them into obedience. That is not God's way, there's no gospel in that message.

Never imply that when they disobey, you or God doesn't love them. We don't want them to come away from the conversation with the idea that they need to work for your love or for God's love. The love of God is unconditional, He wants our hearts first, not our behavior. A child can understand this, they just need to be taught.

Read Romans 8 and thank God.

Romans 3:23, 1 John 1:5-10, 1 John 2:1-2 are about sin.

Proverbs 22:6, Proverbs 29:17, Deuteronomy 6:4-9 are verses about raising children