Father God, 

Just because you are married doesn't mean you should stop dating.

I am a homemaker, or as some say, a stay at home mom.

My job is one I don't get paid for, in a financial sense. 

My payment comes in the form of hugs, smiles, cuddles, messes, and stress. 

I love my job, but sometimes I get tired of it. This is just me being completely honest and transparent.

I realize now that I am not the only one. This homemaker thing is not easy, I don't know if it ever has been.

But over time, it seems to get harder  -  I believe it is because I put taking care of everyone and everything above taking care of myself.

I used to think that taking care of myself first was the selfish thing to do.

I don't have time to take care of myself, my family needs me.

After many hours in desperate prayer for peace and patience, God has opened my eyes.

I cannot effectively care for my family unless I am first cared for. 

It's the same mentality behind the oxygen mask in an airplane, place your mask first and then help those around you. 

I won't be much help to my loved ones if I pass out on the floor. 

So... now I am learning the difference between knowing and doing.

I know I need to take care of myself, but how do I do that?

I've been asked before, "What do you like to do?"

Wow. 

It's depressing that I don't really have a good answer. 

I like to watch TV (lame), I like to go on long walks (a little less lame), I like to ...

I got nothin'...

So this year, I am going to try out a few new things.

I will relax!

I plan to do a lot more blogging, with that comes research (which I guess I also like to do).

I am going to read. And not just to gain knowledge or for research. I want to read fiction.

I want to try meditation or maybe even yoga.

I will start a prayer journal.

And I am not going to be ashamed to tell my family that I need me time.

Even if that just means a 20 minute bath while the dirty dishes wait in the sink - and I will choose not to let that bother me.

I will learn how to care for my family without wearing myself out, one day at a time.

Since Christmas of 2015, my husband and I have decided to rethink the way we celebrate Christmas. As Christians, Christmas is a very special holiday in which we get to celebrate the birth of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. The best gift of all is the gift God gave to us through His Son. But if you ask any child what Christmas is all about, they may say: presents.

In the months preceding Christmas, in an attempt to modify a child's behavior, it may be tempting to bribe them with presents or say that Santa sees everything. I have even fallen into the trap of suggesting that my sons write up their own Christmas Wish Lists, only to pretty much completely ignore it later because (1) we have already decided what we want to buy them and (2) we can't afford the whole Lego Store.

I remember, as a child, my mother and father let me in on the secret that there is no Santa. This may have been because I was always skeptical anyway and they wanted to keep the magic alive for my younger siblings. If I knew it was a secret, I could play along and not ruin it for them. Smart thinking, mom.

Anyway, at some point in my early years I came to the conclusion that believing in Santa isn't always beneficial for a child's emotional state. Sure, the parents who buy their kids gifts, label most of them as "from Santa", and tell them that he came in the night and left the presents under the tree while the children were sleeping, may have good intentions. But what are they teaching their kids? That they deserve multiple materialistic items to clutter up their rooms and minds? That they've earned it? That there is a man who sneaks into the house once a year and leaves toys? That reindeer actually can fly? Where does it end!?

Yes, I understand the difference between having a colorful imagination and telling lies, but where is the line? Believing in Santa, for the children who come from a poor family, can be heartbreaking. Especially when they go back to school, perfectly content with the new pair of socks that Santa brought them, and a classmate is coming excited to share about the many new and expensive clothes, toys, and high tech gadgets Santa brought them. How is the less privledged child supposed to feel? If Santa is the one deciding which child gets what, what is that child going to think? Somehow they weren't good enough? They aren't loved as much as the other, richer child? I know that parents aren't intentionally teaching their children this, but it's just how the mind of a child works. They can't help but compare.

It is possible to teach your children the truth about Santa, and keep the Christmas Spirit alive. Take the focus off of the jolly fat man in red, and put it onto the one Man who bled and died for them. Christmas is about Jesus. Jesus was born as a human baby and we celebrate His birth as an act of worship. To use this holiday as an excuse to spoil our children and focus on Christmas gifts they will get perverts the true reason for the season.

In our home, we are trying to move away from the worldly Christmas traditions and move toward a more authentic Christian way of celebrating Christmas. So instead of focusing on what my kids will get for Christmas, we try and teach them to focus on what they can do for someone else during the Christmas season. And this doesn't always mean buying someone a toy or a gift. You don't have to spend money to bless someone. This could be helping someone around the house, writing letters to people in the military or in a nursing home, or picking up trash at a park.

This doesn't mean we do not buy fun things for us as a family. We do. But we do not wrap it, put it under a tree, or glorify the mystery gifts piling up. The anticipation for opening piled up gifts is exciting, yes, but we need to be careful about what mindset we are fostering in our children. They are fairly simple minded, but they also are smarter than we give them credit for.

We have taught our children that there is no Santa Clause from a very young age, so it was never something that was a shock to them. This came up in a preschool setting once, and the preschool teacher told me all about it - didn't go well. A friend of my younger son was excited for Santa to come to his house on Christmas, and my son had told him that Santa wasn't real. This ended up in a big emotional argument. It's really is a tricky thing. But you have to decide what is right and good for your family. So after school that day, I took him home to talk about it. My son was angry because his friend was believing a lie, but his friend was sad because he felt like my son was being mean to him. I told him that some kids believe in Santa, and even though he's not a real person in the way they believe, it is impolite to intentionally call out a Santa-believing friend. I have a "the truth doesn't care how you feel" mindset and that's how I raise my kids, but we also need to be aware of and compassionate towards others who may believe differently.

Teaching my boys that Santa isn't real was easy. But when we told them we were no longer going to participate in the worldly tradition of opening a ton of presents on Christmas morning, they weren't happy. Of course they weren't. They were raised to expect the presents, making a list and getting what they want. It came with the territory. Fall comes, along with all the Christmas shopping ads and store decorations, neighbors putting up lights, teachers bringing candy canes to share with the class, the hype starts early. The heart of a child is selfish. It just is. We are all born selfish and sinful. You don't have to teach a child to be selfish - they just are. So when you mess with their personal happiness, you'll be met with strife and tantrums. But the fruit that comes later on is worth it. When a child is being intentionally raised with love, truth, and structure (and help from the Holy Spirit), good things will come.

So instead of doing the traditional Christmas morning in front of the tree opening gifts for hours and letting your kids quantifying your love for them in their mind in the amount of cool new toys they got, why not try a bible story and hymn time morning instead? Depending on how old your kids are, maybe they can read it aloud. Come up with meaningful family traditions that they will love and bring with them when they start their own family.

My favorite new tradition is our Christmas Cross with the 25 days of the names of Jesus. For each of the 25 days leading up to Christmas, we put an ornament on the Cross with a name of Jesus. Then we read a scripture passage where that specific name is mentioned. And finally, we worship Jesus through prayer and song together. It took some time for my boys to warm up to this tradition, but now they really love it and look forward to it.

Make Christmas Christian Again.

The family friendly children's version of Halloween where we embrace trick or treating, playful imagination, and make believe is thought to be fun and innocent. The darker truth behind Halloween is full of unintentional (and sometimes intentional) pagan demon worship and the glorification and celebration of death, gore, sexual immorality, and all things evil. I know this sounds harsh, but it's the truth. Modern Halloween in America is a mix of secular and religious elements and traditions.

The Origin and Evolution of Halloween and its Traditions

Modern day Halloween has evolved from a collection of traditions from the ancient Celtic festival known as Samhain (pronounced sah-win) and the Catholic holiday All Saints Day, along with many others. Samhain and All Saints Day are strictly religious holidays, observed intentionally for religious purposes, while Halloween is known as a widely and publicly celebrated secular holiday.

Celebrated by BC Celtic Ireland on November 1, Samhain (Celtic for summer's moon or the end of summer) marked the beginning of winter. The night before Samhain was thought to be a time when the veil between the world of the living and the world of the dead was thinnest. The Celtic Priests, called Druids, taught that the spirits of the dead, demons, and gods would rise from the grave and roam amongst the living on October 31, and either wreak havoc or bring blessing. Since not all spirits were thought to be kind, in order to appease the unkind spirits, they would leave food and gifts on their doorsteps and wear masks if they left the house. They would also light bonfires and disguise themselves as ghosts and ghouls to repel and confuse the spirits. The eve of Samhain was The Festival of the Dead led by a band of ruthless Druids who ruled Northern Ireland for centuries through occult terror and human sacrifices.

In the 8th century, Pope Gregory the third established All Hallows Day to discourage pagan practice of Samhain. November 1st became a Catholic holiday, All Hallow's Day (or All Saints Day), and its purpose was to honor all Christian saints and martyrs, known and unknown. This new holiday was accepted by the Celts, but they still insisted on carrying their own rituals and tradition of celebrating Samhain. The day before Samhain soon came to be known as All Hallow's Eve (later shortened to Halloween).

Old Celtic traditions were revived in 19th century America by Irish and Scottish immigrants. During a potato famine, over a million hungry Irish people and their folklore came to America. Their traditions began to change even more.

• Halloween costumes are thought to have evolved from the Celts demonic or "harmful spirit" disguises during Samhain.
• Jack-O-Lanterns began as an Irish tradition of bringing home an ember from the Samhain bonfire in a carved out turnip, using it as a lantern. This evolved over time and they started carving faces on the lanterns to honor their deceased ancestors and an Irish folk hero named Stingy Jack. After the move to America, when they saw that the pumpkin was more abundant, they used them instead.
• Bobbing for apples was a Celtic vestigial divination ritual. The apple was associated with the female goddess of love. Young single people would try to bite the apple hanging from a string. This is similar to a bouquet toss at a wedding. The first person to bite the apple would be the next to marry. It was their way of attempting to see into the future through demonic help.
• Trick or Treating is thought to have evolved from souling and guising (which originated in medieval Britain). Souling is where people would go door to door and offer prayer for dead relatives in exchange for treats. Guising is where young people would wear costumes and sing, recite poetry, tell jokes, or perform another trick in order to collect a treat, usually money or food. Trick or treating may have also started as the ancient Celtic tradition of leaving food on doorsteps to keep the wandering ghosts at bay. During 1930's America, trick or treating was more about the tricks than about the treats. People would play pranks on unsuspecting victims, usually vandalism or violence, unless they provided them with a treat. I will "trick" you if you don't give me a "treat." So basically, extortion. In the 1950's trick or treating became more family friendly and less violent.

Before Halloween was the family friendly, child - candy - costume centered secular holiday we know today, it was a strange combination of Pagan religious rituals, a Catholic attempt to prevent the Pagan worship, and other foreign traditions more focused on playing tricks on people, trying to tell the future through invoking the devil's help, and honoring and communicating with the dead.

Is Halloween a Satanists Holiday?

Halloween has been celebrated long before Anton LaVey founded "the church of Satan" in 1966. Satanists only recently adopted Halloween as one of their holidays. So Halloween isn't Satanic in origin, but it is considered a Satanic holiday when referencing it being celebrated by Satanists for obvious reasons, being a day when demons, witches, and devils are glorified. LaVey has even said "I'm glad Christian parents let their children worship the devil at least one night out of the year. Welcome to Halloween."

Should Christians celebrate the Americanized version of Halloween?

God makes it very clear how He feels about certain pagan practices in Deuteronomy 18:9-14. In this passage He lists detestable actions and rituals and commands His people to never imitate them. This passage is a pretty inclusive list of activities and beliefs that Halloween was originally founded on. In fact, it was for these beliefs, activities, and rituals that the pagans were driven out of the Promised Land God gave to His people. As a Christian, in light of this passage, Halloween just isn't as appealing to me as it used to be . . .

We as Christians are to live in the world, not be of the world. We are Christians every day of the year, we shouldn't compromise our morals just because everyone else is. We should allow God's word to guide us. On Halloween, death and torture and gore are glorified. God has overcome the grave, we should celebrate God, not the grave. 1 Thessalonians 5:5 says "for you are all children of light, children of the day. We are not children of the night or of darkness." We are called to reject the darkness and represent Jesus well. Especially when everyone else is not. Prayerfully consider treating Halloween like an evangelism opportunity. Like opposite door to door missionaries. People come to your door. Be friendly, represent Christ, preach the Gospel, hand out bible tracts, etc.

Some definitions of "evil" are: profoundly immoral and malevolent, embodying or associated with the forces of the devil, harmful or tending to harm, something extremely unpleasant, wickedness, and depravity, especially when regarded as a supernatural force, a manifestation of this especially in people's actions, something that is harmful or undesirable. Some antonyms of "evil" are: good, beneficial, pleasant, virtuous.

Death is a natural part of the circle of life. Everyone experiences it, no one is immune to it. So death is not evil, it is normal, natural. But celebrating and glorifying death, torture, gore, horror, and the paranormal through costume, decor, and other choices that normalize these things can cause spiritual harm and are definitely not considered good, beneficial, pleasant, or virtuous.

Is it truly innocent to allow your children to dress up and go door to door asking for candy from strangers? I personally believe it is not. Even if you are present and keeping them safe physically, you are teaching them it is OK to celebrate and cooperate in a holiday that was originally founded on someone else's religious beliefs. Beliefs that directly contradict the Gospel and go against a direct command from God in Deuteronomy 18:9-14.

All that being said, I do not judge or look down on my brothers and sisters in Christ who choose to celebrate Halloween with their children. Not everyone is convicted by the Holy Spirit in the same way, and we all have our own walk with Christ. I do not believe it is an inherent sin to let your kiddo dress up and take them trick or treating. I do believe, however, it would be sin if the Holy Spirit places it on your heart not to, and you disobey.

I believe that the best way to love your kids is to be an intentional parent.

There is no such thing as perfect parenting.

In fact, the only perfect Father is our Heavenly Father, and the only perfect Son is Jesus Christ. They share a perfect Father and Son relationship.

As human parents, we make mistakes and that's ok.

God's design for us as parents was never to be perfect or to have all the right answers all the time. We aren't supposed to know exactly what we're doing or even why we're doing it all the time. But we are meant to lean on and trust God for all of the unknowns.

I believe that God uses our children as tools to teach us lessons and grow our faith and trust in Him. My boys are hard to handle sometimes, and God uses these tough situations as a tool to sharpen me and make me look and act more like Christ. He does this for all of us because He loves us.

As parents, we are supposed to train our children to love God and love others.

Parenting is not easy.

If you think being a parent is easy you are most likely doing it wrong. It is not easy raising good and productive members of society. Parenting is so much more than just taking care of your children and making sure they survive each day. Yes, that is a part of it, but that's not where it ends.

Parenting, at least intentional parenting, is about raising your children to walk with Jesus. To become thoughtful, compassionate, kind, forgiving, productive, and respectable adults who love fully and selflessly.

You cannot raise a child like this if you are your child's "friend." You should be their authority figure, their parent.

If your child likes you 100% of the time, you're most likely raising a spoiled brat. If they always get what they want and know how to push all the right buttons to get it, you're failing as a parent.

This doesn't mean you can't have fun together or be friendly, it just means that you should be a parent first, friend second.

Your child should know that you are in charge - this doesn't mean they will never challenge you, it just means that they know you will stand your ground in battle.

They should know that you are there to love them, take care of them, teach them, and protect them, not to just clean up after them, buy things for them, and make sure they're always "happy."

There is so much more to parenting than just getting your kids to obey you or respect you.

Intentional parenting is all about teaching and training your children how to be Godly adults.

Lead by example

- Show your kids how to walk with Jesus.

- Love them through all life's seasons.

- Teach them how to act and live so when they grow up they won't be lost (Proverbs 22:6).

- Communicate with them, be quick to listen and slow to speak, and even slower to get angry (James 1:19).

- Be consistent and authentic.

Practical Tips

I have not mastered intentional parenting, but here are a few practical things I have learned along the way.

Redemptive Discipline teaches children that they are sinners in need of a savior. It teaches them that they are loved no matter what they do, by God and by mom and dad. But sometimes, our attitudes and actions need to be checked and changed. Children disobey and need discipline, not punishment, discipline. (see my article on redemptive discipline).

The tone of voice you use when you communicate with your children is crucial. We teach our kids so much without knowing it. Too often I hear my children speaking to each other with a nasty tone that's all too familiar - my own. Before you're tempted to raise your voice and shoot off a malicious tone, remember - your children were created in the image of God, truly cherished and deserving of love and respect. You can be stern AND kind.

Practicing patience is new to me. I am not a naturally patient person and I tend to assume my young children should just automatically know better. But sometimes they don't - they need to be taught. I learned the hard way that I wound them deeply when I react out of frustration and impatience, rather than respond with wisdom and love. Take a Holy Pause - take a deep breath, gather your thoughts, and say a quick prayer before responding to tough behavioral situations.

Redemptive discipline, patience, and tone of voice all need to work together when dealing with disciplinary issues.

Tough situations are guaranteed to come up, they're a normal part of life. But always remember the God you serve and His plans for you and your children.

God gives us children so we can teach and guide them. That's our role - to teach and guide, and of course, to love.

I attend a Bible Study Fellowship group and have recently learned about redemptive discipline. This is an amazing Christian tool all parents should have in their back pocket. It is all about reaching into your child's heart.

When they misbehave, sure it's easy to lose patience, yell and throw out punishments, but what are you teaching them? That mommy is mean? At any point in the day mommy could just blow up? Nothing they do or say will be safe. They will begin to think that mom's love and happiness with them is dependent on their behavior (first of all, if that is true - mommy needs more of Jesus).

In order to understand redemptive discipline and appropriately apply it, you must first accept that your child is a sinner, no matter their age. Straight out of the womb, a born sinner. We all are. Your job as a parent is to guide your child into adulthood. To teach them how to live, to lead them by example. God has provided an instruction manual, we call it the Holy Bible. It is always relevant. All scripture is useful for correction and teaching.

When using redemptive discipline, you are addressing the heart of the behavior issue: your child's sinful human nature. For example, if they have toys all over the floor and refuse to obey your request to clean it up, what sin are they committing? Being disobedient to your parents is a sin. It is not wrong to tell your child that they are sinning. Too often parents sugar coat things for their kids, and therefore unintentionally turn their children into adults who aren't able to cope with failure, rejection, constructive criticism and who feel like everyone else is the problem. Don't be those parents. Don't be afraid to parent your child in a way that produces fruit in the future.

To continue the above example, say your child is disobeying your request to clean up their toys. You should only have to ask once. Consistency is key. Once, no more. As soon as they make the choice to disobey, send out a quick prayer, ask the Holy Spirit to guide your words. Then you should immediately pull them aside and have a conversation with them. Get onto their level, never stand over and look down on them and never do this from across the room with a loud voice. You should be face to face, at eye level, preferably close enough to touch, using a gentle but stern voice. Ask them if they know what they did wrong.

"Honey, do you know what you did wrong?"

Let them answer. Sometimes they'll know exactly what they did wrong, sometimes they won't, but that's ok because they are learning. If they know, and they tell you, praise God. If they don't know, tell them.

"You disobeyed mommy. When I asked you to clean up your toys, you said no."

Then teach them about sin.

"Do you know that God commands us to obey our parents? It is a sin to disobey your parents. A sin is when we do what we want to do, and not what God wants us to do."

Right now would be a great opportunity to open your bible and show them Exodus 20:12 and Ephesians 6:1-3, even if they can't read (this will teach them that their mommy treats God's Word with respect and takes it seriously). Allow them to respond, if they want. Then continue.

"When you disobey mommy, you are sinning against God. God does not like sin, but He loves you so much. Everyone sins, even mommy and daddy. But God still loves us, too. That's why He sent His son Jesus to die on the cross for our sins. You have been freed from the power of sin, that means you don't have to sin! You have a choice. You can choose to obey! Isn't that cool?"

Give them a chance to offer a response but don't expect one. Remember, learning is a process.

Ask them to pray with you. It is never too early or too late to start praying out loud with your child. If they want to say the prayer, let them! And then praise God for it. If they will let you, pray out loud with them afterwards, if they don't let you, do NOT force them. We don't want to make any of this feel like a punishment. Prayer is a gift from the Holy Spirit and He will never push himself onto us if we are unwilling, so offer that same courtesy to your child. After you pray together, give them a big hug and a kiss. Let them know you love them and that you expect them to be obedient. And then (good luck) ask them to clean up their toys again (everyone deserves a second chance ;)

This example is assuming that your child is a believer and will sit still for this conversation. But what if they aren't, and what if they don't? Redemptive discipline is still the best route. You can modify this technique to fit your specific family dynamic, but don't stray too much from the main goal: winning your child's heart to God. Relay facts that you can back up biblically. Share the gospel with them, teach them that they are a sinner in need of a savior. Let them know how much their Creator and Heavenly Father loves them.

This technique won't be effective for behavior modification without heart change, that is not our main goal anyway. Do not try to scare them into obedience. That is not God's way, there's no gospel in that message.

Never imply that when they disobey, you or God doesn't love them. We don't want them to come away from the conversation with the idea that they need to work for your love or for God's love. The love of God is unconditional, He wants our hearts first, not our behavior. A child can understand this, they just need to be taught.

Read Romans 8 and thank God.

Romans 3:23, 1 John 1:5-10, 1 John 2:1-2 are about sin.

Proverbs 22:6, Proverbs 29:17, Deuteronomy 6:4-9 are verses about raising children

Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord, because the husband is the head of the wife as also Christ is the head of the church he himself being the savior of the body. But as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her to sanctify her by cleansing her with the washing of the water by the word, so that he may present the church to himself as glorious not having a stain or wrinkle, or any such blemish, but holy and blameless. In the same way husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one has ever hated his own body but he feeds it and takes care of it, just as Christ also does the church, for we are members of his body. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and will be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This mystery is great but I am actually speaking with reference to Christ and the church. Nevertheless, each one of you must also love his own wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

This passage is talking to believers. Verse 32 makes clear that this is a comparison of marriage between a man and a woman and the relationship between the Church and Jesus.

As wives, we need to appreciate how the mind of our husband works (obviously we will never fully understand him, and we're aren't meant to). Every man is different, but in a lot of ways they are the same. Either way, scripture makes very clear that wives should respect their husbands. There are extenuating circumstances, of course. If you are being abused, you need to seek help and protection, if necessary. But there are no conditions listed here. It doesn't say, "wives respect your husband if he loves you first" or "If you feel like he deserves it" or fill in your own blank.

This may sound silly, but just ask him. "When do you feel the most respected?" "What can I do better or differently to best respect you?"

For me, I learned that my husband doesn't always want my advice. This was hard for me to swallow because I am what you would call a control freak and unsolicited adviser. When I offer my advice, sometimes it comes across to him in a demeaning or manipulative way. When that happens, I am disrespecting him hardcore. The sad thing is, if I didn't ask, he wouldn't have told me. I would never have known and I would have continued to unknowingly disrespect him.

Husbands also are responsible to find out how they can best love their wives. He also should simply ask, or even pick up on context clues. My husband shows me he loves me by spending time with me, standing in the kitchen with me while I cook, or lounging on the couch with me watching a show in a dark room. Sure I can do these things on my own, but when he's there I feel loved. There is no one size fits all when it comes to applying this scripture to our marriages. But we are commanded by God to submit to our husbands and love our wives.

In our current culture, there is a lot of emphasis on women's rights and equality This scripture, calling women to submit to their husbands, is not a gender inequality issue. It is an obedient heart toward God issue. God is not now nor has He ever claimed that He created men as greater than women. Nor is He saying that man is or should be in control over woman. He is simply saying that in a Godly marriage relationship He has appointed the man, the husband, as the head of the household and the wife. The husband is responsible to God for taking care of her and loving her as his own body.

As the wife, we are our husband's helper, his friend, and support system. There is nothing wrong with being a strong and independent woman, but a marriage is not the best place for that kind of independence.

When you marry, you commit to your spouse and to God that you are joining together as a team, dependent on God and each other, to work together towards common goals. That is best done when the wife submits to and respects her husband, and the husband loves his wife and cares for her as himself.

If those things are taken care of, everything else becomes a non-issue.